Will the Real Self-Care Please Stand Up?

Beyond Bubble Baths

Despite the social media fluff and the commercialization of self-care, it is not about bubble baths and pedicures. That is not what the meat and potatoes of true self-care is about—that’s a Band-Aid, an escape, a distraction to cover up the true meaning. I’m not saying you shouldn’t enjoy those things, but if you want real shifts, real self-fullness, and real self-care, then we must look beyond the bubbles.

Real Self-Care is figuring out what you really want in life and taking action steps to create it. This means asking yourself questions to gain clarity about what matters and setting yourself up for daily success in meeting those needs.

Taking time for a life review of self-reflection and recognizing what lessons were learned, or what patterns are repeating, and how you can make better choices in order to eliminate the things that aren’t working, aren’t feeding your soul, is self-care.  Temporary pleasures can feed the illusion that we’re giving ourself the care we need, but are we?

Setting boundaries instead of bending to others when doing so would take you out of alignment is self-care.  People pleasing, procrastination and perfectionism can be self-sabotage and denial from what will lead us to greater well-being.

Doing the scary stuff like being willing to face fears, be brutally honest with yourself and others and/or take healthy risks provides invaluable feedback and insight towards a more meaningful life…this is self-care.

Taking responsibility and not playing the victim role, be it self-induced or from a situation in the outside world means bringing awareness, not only the big things in life, but the little daily things like cleaning out the litter box, vacuuming the house, changing the light bulbs, organizing that pile of clothes on the floor. It’s taking responsibility for your mental, physical, spiritual and emotional health because when you invest in creating a supportive environment, connecting to spirituality and exercising your mind and body, you build an altar, and offering, towards creating more harmonious life. What you put out into the world through your effort, you also put in to your heart and soul. This gives more fulfillment than “just” the escape of the commercialized version of self-care that can leave you even more drained when avoiding what really needs to be done by making excuses.

For example, if you want to go on a trip, but what you really need is rest because you are burned out, it’s important to be honest with yourself about the deeper need so that you don’t end up piling on more things in order to meet a “fun” desire than a true requisite.  This doesn’t mean you can’t do both, but maybe first take a staycation and give your body what it needs while setting yourself up to truly be able to enjoy and experience the trip you desire. Be kind to yourself because creating a life you don’t want to escape from is a process of undoing.

Listening to intuition, the real intuition, not the voice in your head that just wants you to be comfy, cozy, happy, and right, but the one that pushes you a bit outside of your comfort zone is a step towards more self-care. So often we can’t hear our intuition when the distractions of the world overtake us, but your body and senses are always working as a mechanism for pulling you back in to your intuitive knowing, to the embodiment of being human and sometimes you just have to stop…and feel….and listen.

Discipline, and this is a hard one, is sticking to that exercise routine, assessing your food choices and why you eat what you eat, paying your bills on time, learning a new skill and investing time, money and energy into aspects of yourself that support your purpose is self-care. Showing up for you is an act of accountability to yourself. If you aren’t holding yourself to the standards you desire, then others will be more easily able to influence and sway you off your path. Showing up for you opens the door to show up for those you care about too.

Knowing what you stand for, and not giving in to peer pressure and group think—doing what is right for you no matter what the masses are doing is self-care. It’s about bringing integrity, truth, action, courage, beauty and honor to your life. What are the morals and values you live by? Are you staying in integrity from that place each day? If you aren’t, are you observing why and getting back into alignment? What do you need versus what do you want?

Finding consistency and creating lasting habits that enhance your life and enliven your spirit, knowing that the road may be rocky, but you can do it is self-care. Know, you’ll take unnecessary detours that are actually necessary for navigating the road-blocks ahead, those that are inevitably a part of life.

Finding tools that work for you like meditation and journaling can be important on the self-care journey, but know how to prioritize your basic needs first.   If you don’t want to journal, what else might help you—dancing, making art, reading, grounding, or find a creative endeavor that speaks to you and integrate it into your life. Often the things we love doing somehow find a back seat, but real self-care is not just about saying no to things, but also finding what to say yes to and cultivating that with intention.

True self-care is not so black and white, and if you are like me, it means learning to fail well and equally to practice celebrating the little things that are so easy to overlook each day.

Self-care is not about “treating yourself,” but treating yourself good!

Plan that spa day or sit around the campfire with your friends, splurge occasionally on something frivolous, and take care of your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health. Self-care is not just one thing; it’s about really getting to know yourself and finding harmony in the ebb and flow of all seasons, even the messed up-chaotic-confusing-sloppy-ugly seasons which are also a beautiful gift.

Self-care does not mean complicated, as it is often the simplest things or the simple consistent acts that lead to some of the biggest “ah-ha” moments.

Real self-care is living with integrity, showing up for yourself when you don’t feel like it, not procrastinating on the things you know you need to do, healing your issues, tending the soil of your garden, and creating a supportive environment to nourish your needs.

Superficially based self-care should come secondary, it’s a bonus, a pleasurable desire, icing on the cake. But if you only eat the icing on a cake, the rest will suffer: Bubble baths and spa days have become the buzz, but only doing what is fun can be a distraction for other commitments .  All the responsibilities or things you might be avoiding are still going to be there when you get home from pedicures and brunch.

Both serve their purpose, but when not prioritized accordingly, self-care becomes self-neglect.  Good nutrition, movement, restful sleep and habits that bring balance and ease towards enjoying life and understanding yourself are clearly important, but we’re human, if this was easy I wouldn’t be writing this article.

Find the balance between both, but be honest with yourself. Ask yourself, for today, what should I do that will be the most fruitful?

You deserve to take care of yourself, you are worthy. Self-care can be uncomfortable but when you take care of yourself like you know you can, then you make room to enjoy the fun and pleasurable things life offers.

As a woman, I understand, I want my nails looking good, but if taking time to paint my nails takes away from something higher in priority, then it can wait. Putting ourselves together means sometime simplifying, removing something instead of adding more.

It can be counter-intuitive as well, like if you are rushing around trying to do too much, sometimes stopping to do a basic 10-minute meditation is all it takes to re-set, relax and remember what really matters most and making time for that, let the rest go.

When I think of self-care in my own life I think of:

• stopping to talk to a friend that calls because I care about the relationship, I want to nourish that connection because it matters and whatever was to fill that time can wait because this means more

• catching myself on the social media too much and gently turning it off, taking a breath, and looking at the list of things I want to accomplish instead, asking myself why am I distracting myself today?

• taking a walk because this is prioritizing my physical and mental health, often a time where I receive insights and clarity

• creating focused time to work and make incremental changes towards fulfilling my goals

• setting aside time to do chores so that I don’t let them pile up

• keeping a list that includes cultivating joy in my life, enjoying the day, going with the flow of what nudges me towards it, as I’m aware of my tendencies to get busy and lose track of time

I’m not averse to multi-tasking, in that if I am going to take a bubble bath, why not read a book while doing it, double the fun. Or I can listen to a podcast while cleaning the house.

How can I give today? Is there someone I can call? Can I spend 5 more minutes with my dog? Can I donate to a cause? Giving is an over-looked aspect of self-care because what you have to give the world is unique to you and you will be filled up for sharing and caring as much as those you reach.

I’ve found a sense of peace, purpose, pleasure and progress in the little things, the daily chores, the in-between spaces of living that give grace to remembering we are here to live, create, love, be. It’s a balance between responsibilities and remembering, between painted nails or painting the porch step that’s waiting for me, between letting things bubble up or taking a moment to fill my cup, between making time for creativity or daily steps that make life less overwhelming.

Right now I’ve got to keep up with giving my cat some urinary herbs every day, it’s one more thing to do on the to-do list, but if I don’t then her health may suffer later and I don’t want that, so I remember I’m her guardian and I am given a gift that resides inside the responsibility. I don’t want to look back with regret knowing I didn’t do all I could for her. So often we treat others better than ourselves, what if we had this same devotion to nurturing the sacredness of our own life. Treat yourself as good as you treat your cat or dog or others…. (note to self)

Writing this article is self-care. I want to nourish this skill and the only way to do it is to do it.

There is a difference between self-care and self-indulgence, between caring for the outer and the inner. The commercialization of self-care usually only focuses on the outer, but the heart is the hearth that waits for the art in you, the parts of you longing for discovery in the rhythmic tide beating inside. 

Self-care is an opportunity to check-in instead of checking-out.

It might not even be relaxing, but a moment of letting out tears or frustrations. It might be learning to be ok without feeling that you are missing out on something in the land of highlight-reels, fairytale facades and striving to reach a place that to get to removes you from being present and enjoying your life as it is now.

Remember, bubble baths matter too, but this is not really self-care, it’s a sweet savoring of the pleasurable experiences life offers. The irony of it all is that the superficial nature of these things, if you really zoom in, can sometimes hold as much significance, symbolism and importance as what swims beneath the surface.  The surface of the water holding bubbles of fragrant fantasy is never separate from the depths of the water beneath its surface…here is the flow, the float, the moat that will carry you through the water that moves all life forward…onward.

Thank you for being here, may your day be filled with care in all its forms,

Angela