The Easy Pill of Peace and Non-Attachment
Mind Virus of Mindfulness: Attachment Avoidance & Connection Killers
There is a good “sounding” quote on the internet, that like many, is just that, sounds good. After all, the self-help gurus can’t pull you into their web without that feel good-sounds-good-must-then-be-good illusion. Critical thinkers forgo all critical thinking and right into the web with the hope of feeling good above all else, leaving their worries behind without any responsibility or actions to resolve the problems in their life, the New Age Easy Pill is coming to save you.
Here it is: “Detachment is not that you own nothing, it’s that nothing owns you.” Sounds good right, after all, you don’t want anything owning you, you don’t want loss of autonomy or freedom…and yet so many give over to the illusion of peace and non-attachment, they give over their freedom to distraction, bad choices, corporations, systems, protocols, people pleasing and so much more.
The Easy Pill is the illusion of detachment in exchange for dissociation and toxic attachment.
Oh the irony, can you see it?
When I talk about healthy attachment, I am not talking about the easy pill, nor stalker vibes, clingers, people pleasers or people purple eaters, not soul suckers, looshers or energy vampires, not takers, haters or manipulators. Got it? Good.
The internet is full of parrots disguised as humans. People claim to be in a blissed-out state of peace and non-attachment with all their worries floating in the aether, ascended to 5D. News alert and unpopular opinion, you have not ascended to 5D, but you may have dissociated from reality. Beam your consciousness back down to earth you spiritual gangsta you. I poke fun because I’ve had to chuckle at my own discovery of where I was falling into these superficial traps and ultimately found myself laughing, more than not, at how silly it can all be. If you really open your eyes and look, you’ll see the truth, it’s just a shift from one group-think set of beliefs to another. Everyone is guilty in some way. I certainly have been and write this because I stalked myself to find out where I was being misled (and still am), thus I share to help others divert from the same black hole.
I know there is deeper truth and validity inside these spiritual narratives that get miscontrued and bastardized from their true meanings, but that’s a topic for another day.
One thing that really bugs me is the spiritual/self-help attachment avoidant language plaguing the internet, as popular as demonizing the ego, promoting toxic positivity and specialness for doing nothing.
In my opinion, the gurus and coaches shouting their endless list of attachment styles to watch out for is ridiculous. There is a bulleted list for everything that’s wrong with you for having an attachment and why you should remain neutral, apathetic, detached, numb and it’s not grounded in reality, but a narrative run rampant, another mind-virus of mindfulness gone awry.
Yes, there is unhealthy attachment, as mentioned, like co-dependency and loss of autonomy or individuality in a situation through lack of appropriate boundaries, but dependency, inter-dependency and co-dependency are not each the same thing. Yes, there are situationships, doing things for the wrong-reasons, and narcissists that will try to fuck you up. Yes, there is betrayal, both by others and self, the coping mechanisms growing larger from a world that has forgotten how to feel.
And, all that being said, attachment is not bad or wrong. Attachment is about CONNECTION and COMMITMENT!
In a narcissistic me-me-me-me world, it’s easier to be detached, to numb out, not attach to anything, it’s a dis-ease of the heart fueled by fears. Fear of rejection, fear of pain, fear of responsibility, fear of accountability and even fear of love because real love requires effort and action and looking in the mirror. Real love requires feeling, authenticity, accountability, vulnerability, commitment, and yes, attachment.
In the same way people on the interweb seeking validation from people on the interweb claim validation is always bad, so do those same people love to pretend they have no attachment to anything, they are just energy, pure consciousness, ascended, enlightened and need not bother themselves with anyone or anything around them, all is love and light. This is denial, self-betrayal and a form of lying.
The aversion to feeling, to commitment, and the aversion to risk is an aversion to attachment. The healthy baby going through a period of sucking its thumb or carrying it’s blankie around has become a world of Netflix-and-chill adults trapped inside an immature, conflict avoidant, superficial façade of trying to avert reality, self-responsibility and accountability.
Never has this been more highlighted than from 2020 until now (2024), where the manipulative narrative squawks constantly about, “it’s for your safety” in regard to every corner of life.
This propaganda makes my skin crawl.
The fact is your safe and effective, for your safety, comfort bubble is the greatest risk of all because it’s the risk of not really living. It’s the risk of being so paranoid, so scared to live and to love and to express your true self that you anesthetize from it all and become paralyzed by temporary dopamine hits, feel good quotes and an inability to be present for yourself or others when it’s really needed, when it’s hard, when it counts, or when crappy days out of our control show up and knock at the door.
The news plays on your emotions in a way that is NOT REAL, it’s asking you to care about something that is not part of your own life, about people that you don’t know, about stories that might not even be real.
Emotional turmoil bleeds through screens and metaphysical masked watchers scurry around like mice trying to get to a checkpoint of safety, but there is none, only the illusion of such.
Meanwhile, the other side of the coin is the crowd that just wants to “rise above it all” or “transcend” the physical world in order to feel better than this place, than everyone else, but this is not better.
The desire to restrict in a cocoon of safety is the other side of the coin of wanting to expand right on out of your skin. Connecting to the heart is the bridge to find both, the inner process that takes places on the hero’s journey.
All the way around, society highlights every reason why you should not care, not attach, brush it off your shoulders, ignore, put hurts back onto yourself that aren’t yours, hold no one accountable and for God’s sake don’t be emotionally available, mature or intelligent.
Absence is the buzz word in a void of neurotic avoidance of the real self-growth that can only happen from hurt, failure and risk.
You can spend all your time looking for every red-flag, every way to disconnect from reality and others or claim that you are the most awakened and special but inside of this is a void that can only be filled with connection, honesty, effort, accountability, responsibility, care…with love.
Attachment is a BOND and real connection is the GLUE. This is what makes life meaningful and beautiful and special. Creating deep bonds, conscious cords of attachment where the telepathic waves of knowing another becomes more and more instant, where the experiences, observations and memories shared grows unbreakable.
And yes, knowing that sometimes you may have to walk away from this and it will hurt is part of it. Knowing that someone or something might (and eventually will) die and this will hurt is part of it. And yet, to grieve the loss of something so precious is to honor that attachment, that connection, that love and be open enough to do it again with someone else, with something else, or in another way.
The depth of the human experience is enhanced through attachment and the willingness and understanding that it is also not permanent because we are not permanent.
Real beauty always lives inside the paradox.
Things are imbued with our energy, thus in a way, I have an attachment to my home, it’s my sanctuary, I spend a lot of time there, and yet I may move again someday or change it to better suit my life as it changes. I’ll grieve, it will feel sad, and I will also keep moving forward.
Have you ever heard someone say, those two are attached at the hip? Often, the reference is manifest in that child-like bond where people just naturally want to spend time together, it’s in our make-up. We’ve all known a pair like this, be it a friendship or a couple. Attached at the hip also signifies a sturdy foundation together while each also facing forward and standing strong independently of the other.
Some people find themselves attached to a group, or community, like-minded souls offering support. The key is to recognize if it is a place, you can be authentically you or are you molding or quieting yourself to fit in and be accepted. This is one distinct difference in healthy attachment versus unhealthy.
Healthy attachment maintains autonomy through its connection, unhealthy attachment masks in people pleasing to be accepted by another.
I’m attached to my pets, I love them so much and I know they will die and it will hurt and I will grieve so damn hard, maybe for years, and yet the thought of being apathetic, detached or not being their guardian is much worse than the grief that I know will ensue.
I think about my grandparents that were together 64 years, they were attached. Everyone knows how often an elder dies and their loved one follows soon thereafter, is this not the ultimate observation of a life well-loved, well-connected, and how dare I say, attached! Imagine the “real” sense of safety that comes when you healthily attach, commit, and show up as your true self, yet also for another out of thoughtfulness, love and the intention of being present, giving, connecting and being accountable in a way that can only bring deep healing, alchemical union and reflection available with another soul.
I’m attached to my hobbies, to things I love that make me, me. The things that light me up are part of me. I used to love to run and then I had an injury and couldn’t do that anymore, it hurt, it wasn’t what I wanted. I had to grieve the attachment to the joy I gained from it, yet would I have not done what I loved, would I have not participated in that activity if I knew it was fleeting, of course I would…because everything is fleeting.
If you have a passion, a purpose or a mission you feel that you are here to carry out in service to the world, I’d think there is probably an aspect of attachment to it, a level of commitment to fulfilling it. An entrepreneur in pursuit of something great has laser focus on that mission, on completing certain mile-markers along the way, a vision coming to life, a creation being made manifest in reality and, thus, to say there is no attachment to this is to deny that it matters, that you care about this deeply enough to pursue it, that it means something to you, that you took that desire and did something with it. It is the relentless pursuit and effort of creating something greater than ourselves, acknowledging the pull towards something that ultimately is a committment to the Divine, to God, be it to a cause, a business, a family, a relationship…but ultimately from feeling deeply into the heart…maybe it’s about having a heart-attach so that you don’t have a heart-attack from denying what is meant to be for you.
Like the photo of these dancers who learn to move as one unit, there is reliance, a sort of telepathic energy that must intwine, they cannot dance without the other. Can they go through the motions without really being attached, without true connection, sure, but will it be fulfilling? Will it result in the feeling of awe, inspiration and beauty by the audience witnessing their exchange or will it feel robotic and forced? When you learn to tap into the ways we are “moved” by the world around us you will find, like in nature, the most beautiful things are always rooted in some kind of connection.
A tree stands alone in the forest yet is connected to all that is around it deeply and profoundly. Without being attached to the earth, it would not live. A bird without a branch to perform its song, would fall from weary wings. A flower, ever how beautiful, expands its glory in a field of other blooms.
When we can celebrate the uniqueness of each individual, we change the threads of time. The deeper we seek to know ourselves, the deeper we can show up for others and the more we can see in their eyes, the more that is revealed beneath the veil covering up the vibrancy that hides.
Grief will come for you and you can grieve the loss of a deep beautiful connection or you can grieve the loss of your own fear and cowardness for running away from it, but it will come nonetheless.
You can spend all your time avoiding risk, waiting on the shoe to drop and pretending that peace and non-attachment is fulfilling and meaningful, but you’ll be lying to yourself. Really think about it, what do you remember most in life, the times that where everything is peaceful or the times where you went through something and grew stronger? What do you remember most in life, those moments you connected with someone and shared in an experience that can never be shaken, or taken from you, or times where you were going through the motions unable to remember what you did yesterday?
In a way, the memories and experiences that made you who you are today are a form of attachment. The healthy version of that is seeing how the past impacted the present, not getting stuck there indefinitely, yet honoring what was, how far you’ve come.
So be naïve, take risks, know that people will hurt you, betray you, let you down, try to take advantage of you, lie, etc. and yet it is worth it because we are here to make bonds, make meaning, make love, make life, to create magic…and you can’t do that if you are never willing to attach or to lose something precious all for a moment of loving it from the deepest corners of your soul.
Go create some bonds, some connection, some attachment, some beauty, some love, some art, some joy. Be willing to let it all slip away, to feel the pain from the loss, to grieve what you love the most and do it anyway. You won’t regret it, but you will have regrets if you keep arm’s length because of the fear of hurt.
Hurt is a gift. It reminds you of your courage to try, your love had, your blessings bestowed and the lessons taught. Hurt is the intermediary of transformation, of change, the paradox in action. It’s beauty alchemized, it’s regret righted, it’s love for what is lost, it’s an old friend re-ignited, it’s a fond foe, it’s rain falling on the perfect day, it’s a necessary rite of passage for moving the energy through you and letting tears fall inside a cleansing artful ritual…did the hurt make anything less perfect, or maybe, just maybe, it made it even better.
Now don’t go looking for hurt just to hurt, as a pattern of trauma, or a way to feel something, to feel alive, but do take notice of who you let in to your life and how you nourish the relationship. Do you hold back? Do you open up?
Keep being the person you want to see in the world even if it’s not what you are receiving, eventually you’ll meet someone that does show up, that is reliable, that does care and you’ll break the patterns bestowed from the world and from your own doing. Don’t be afraid to reintroduce yourself to the process and healing powers of grief.
Most importantly, know that peace and non-attachment is an easy button that might leave you feeling empty and alone. True connection takes work, mutual exchange and vulnerability. True connection includes disagreement and heartfelt conflict. True connection means loving so much you are willing to be honest even if they might walk away, even if they aren’t ready to hear it, even if the reflection isn’t what they are ready to face. True connection means growing together and walking away when that can no longer happen. You can pretend that peace comes from detaching from it all, but the true peace is living from integrity, authenticity, and curiosity.
Our society doesn’t teach healthy conflict, conversation and disagreement. Instead it views everything as a personal attack and holds people on pedestals so high that if they say one thing perceived as wrong, or merely a different belief that isn’t widely accepted, they are canceled, censored, or shut out. This is a result of deep masking, people pleasing, and fear magnified in the collective unconscious, further reinforcing that you are not safe to be your true self. We can only change this by talking about it, by finding the inner courage, by individual shifts and connections that start to bring healthy inter-connectedness into the web tethered together by trauma, lies and deceit. Trusting that we are never safe and always safe is to take a leap of faith towards the Divine and savor the gift of life.
You CAN be an individuated sovereign soul with healthy attachment to that which you admire, love, care for and choose consciously to devote your time and energy to. Everything is not one or the other.
And while I do understand the notion behind peace and non-attachment and know personally that at times it can be useful, I also see how it draws people into it, lures. There is an aspect of deception, that, like many things in our world, leaves out the layers, complexity and nuance to zooming out and seeing the whole picture.
I hope you find yourself attached to my substack, you cannot bear to live without it or with it and thus, both result in your hanging out with me, old friends sitting on porch in creaking chairs, disagreeable mumbles followed by excitable resonance of agreement…. both endearing one to the other…authenticity on display… a bird stops by as if to have a giggle and record the scene for its journey in flight…..but only if you want to, only if you find value, only if you choose to.
May you find more hugs in your days, bear hugs and long lingering squeezes…
Love,
Angela