Stop Saying This

The Spell of Invalidation

Have you ever had a bad day?

Maybe you had a series of unfortunate events that left you feeling hurt, frustrated, angry, injured, overwhelmed or sad?

Perhaps you realize in the middle of something you took on too much, yet you can’t abandon the situation for whatever reason, because living beings are depending on you or a domino effect will ensue…you’re just trying to get through?

Maybe you felt sad for no good reason at all but that’s just how you felt?

Have you ever been scammed, hoodwinked, bamboozled…. miscommunicated, misunderstood, or some variation in one way or another?

And you just need to vent or talk to someone…not to take it out on them, not to blame, not to wallow…

…because you’re human and talking about things helps….

Not in a therapy – looking for answers – kind of way but in a heart-to-heart feeling loved kind of way.

And the world responds with:

- It could be worse. ARGH ALL CAPS YELL INSERT HERE>>>>>>>>>>>>> IT. COULD. BE. WORSE. has to be the worst. This sentence is the most bypassing yucky gaslight’y thing one could say.

- Then they follow with all the ways it could be worse, such as:

o You could have xyz disease or not have the resources to deal with the thing

o You could be dead

o You could be living in xyz place where things are worse

o You could not have this or that which would make the current situation worse

o You should be happy because you have this other thing totally unrelated to the point being shared

Or my favorite, “Just Stay Positive.”

Or maybe you sprained your ankle and your friend says, “it could be worse, it could be broken”…..This doesn’t help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I repeat, this - does - not - help.

It’s a spell of the “worst” kind.

Everyone knows it could be worse, or they could be dead, or whatever, but to tell people “it could be worse” is not ok. It’s invalidating. It discounts the experience they are in during a moment of unease or distress. It perpetuates complaining because someone that is expressing a hardship in a time of need…needs you…needs just to express.

I’m not saying you should be a punching bag.

But, the normalization of “fearing” any experience or word that isn’t positive is the opposite of high vibe…it’s a passive aggressive low blow.

People don’t need a ChatGPT therapist, they need people.

People no longer feel they can talk to each other because they are constantly gaslight in this society that claims, “things could be worse” or you have “so much to be thankful for.”

You can know things could be worse AND be thankful for what is AND still be going through something difficult.

You can be grateful for life AND always looking for the silver lining AND still need a shoulder to cry on.

The New Age’ists will tell you everything is your fault and shame you, even if you were a victim of an experience, even if you did learn from it. This type of behavior and thinking makes people withdraw more feeling they have no one they can talk to which makes ChatGPT and AI sound like a good option…. even though in the end it will make things worse because it’s not real.

And we need real.

This doesn’t mean you enable or lie.

It doesn’t mean you don’t set boundaries or have to allow yourself to be drained by someone’s energy during hard times.

It means you’re there when it matters for those you choose to allow in to your life, even though it might not be comfortable to listen, even though it might be an inconvenience in a world of drive-thru swipe-wrong culture.

It’s ok to feel fear.
It’s ok to feel upset.

Think about times you felt this way and shared with someone and they said, “it could be worse.” Does your body instantly tighten, restrict, shut down? The walls go up. Because your gut knows and views this moment as a revelation that this person is no longer safe to be open to. And sometimes they aren’t, so take that feedback that your body and intuition are giving you.

Things that you could say to someone instead might be:

• I’m sorry you are going through this difficulty

• I’m here to listen (only if you are able and choose to)

• I hear you

• That sounds hard

• Damn, that sucks more than trying to drink out of a paper straw

• A simple hug, no words. A pat on the back, no words.

• A note in the mail - email - or text to just say, I’m thinking of you.

No pep talk. No fixing. No blaming. No shaming. No gaslighting. No bypassing. No invalidation. No games.

The key is to remember that you have likely been in their shoes before and will have other times in life that are hard.

The other key to remember is that you can be happy in most areas of life AND still have one area that is creating an obstacle, a sadness, a frustration.

Our inability as humans to recognize that more than one thing can be true at a time, on both the micro and macro, means we sever the depth and totality of being human by categorizing everything into a tiny fragment of its whole.

This place we share is not easy for anyone, even those who wear the best mask, have the kindest smile and seem to have it all together on the surface. It’s hard to witness atrocities and madness. It’s hard to be wronged and still find compassion. It’s hard to be gaslit and not gaslight. We break the cycle by not becoming like the collective shadow projecting a false light of narcissistic traits and trauma like an appetizer of cardboard colored in to look like food.

And, yes, it’s obvious that lack of self responsibility, sovereignty, and accountability is ever present as a mainstay in society and how we’ve been programmed. At the same time, the culture of victimhood and playing the blame game perpetuates this whereas actually lending an ear sometimes takes off the pressure valve so someone can feel heard, find a breath, and then go on to solve their own problems, hear their own words, and step away with insight to strengthen their resolve, their tenacity, their ability to seek solutions without turning to a false “authority,” all while growing a bond with another human soul.

I can do better. We can do better.

As this song says:
”Everyone's got their own set of troubles
Everyone's got their own set of blues
Everyone's got their own set of struggles
Walk a mile in another man's shoes
If you ain't learned that by now, go ahead and walk another mile”

If I’ve ever said “it could be worse” to someone, and I’m human so I probably have, I’m truly sorry.