Narcissistic Hues

Poetry by The Irrational Sage

This topic seems more relevant now than ever. Sometimes the most positive thing we can do is talk about the negative instead of brushing to the corner of the room….even the zoom room….even though we know people are sometimes a product of their environment or we can see through the faults. It doesn’t excuse what is. I’m no “expert” aside from my own life experience and observations, to which I know I’m not alone.

I don’t think narcissists wonder if they are narcissistic, but the people they leave behind do, second guessing every thought, every action, what if it’s me? What if something is wrong with me? Did I do something to deserve this? How did I get here? How could I let this happen? What could I do better or diffrent? Taking responsibility for the other and themselves, the wound turns into self-criticism so deep that every word is checked at the door of self-doubt…a coat closet, only no coats fit and the pockets are filled with weights. From now on, if all t’s are crossed and i’s dotted, all will be well….leave not a trace you were here, yet do everything well.

Narcissistic abuse is fucked up, it hurts, it’s covert at times, like you don’t realize all the damage has been done until something snaps inside, until the fog clears.

Narcissists treat you like chewing tobacco. They want to control your spirit and keep it tucked in the dark corner of their upper lip..like a drug always at their disposal…their words and actions salivate with hidden hate, masked as false confidence that wears no conscience, when they are done they leave you on the floor in a ball of spit and rage.

I don’t have the answers for this issue, but it is far too common across all ages, races, cultures and socioeconomic factors.

It seems like social media has helped pull the dark side out of society and magnify the toxic aspects of ego in a sort of artificial teat of milky dopamine that superficially nourishes the numbing out of self-accountability and encourages a falling into a pit of egomaniacal self-interest. The true pandemic is the denial of the effects a little black screen can have, glamourizing an existence of tiny movies without any direction. Beyond the propaganda plays, the beauty of the real world is left behind and the true rapture is an escape into artificial realism trapping the mind.

When you use it, it can be a tool, when it uses you, you become its fool…a court jester for the AI.

I’m not knocking anyone’s highlight reel either, as I think sharing your life with others can be lovely and we need more loveliness. If you were going to show an actual printed photo to someone and talk about a memory, you’d probably pick your favorites, just as portrayed online. If you’re here reading this, you can likely gleen the extremes for which I’m referring that go far beyond this.

At the same time, it’s no wonder this word “narcissist” is seemingly over-used these days as more people seek to heal from its influence, thus opening the door for a large number of self-proclaimed experts on the subject to surface, some well-versed bringing important awareness and programs and, others, doing more harm. In some regard, I think it’s wholly valid as people who have truly been victimized finally feel they have a voice after healing from the abuse and a genuine desire to help others. Like anything, there is always a flip side.

Overall, I think the awareness is needed because the corporate and societal structures reward this behavior as well, the rise of tik-tok, instagram and twitter are just the cherry on top.

Nothing is more heartbreaking than finding yourself in a narcissistic relationship dynamic and coming to the realization or “awakening” of what is really playing out. A pit of disgust settles into the gut when the veil behind your own life is pierced.

Society wants everyone in metaphysical masked compliance to its narcissistic inverted collective egregore. There is a difference in those wearing that cloak as a form of protection, a coping mechanism, or fear from letting their true self be seen than the mask a narcissist wears like a puffed up fantasy stroking a caged up soul that feels nothing, only feeds, only focuses on what it needs…planting NO seeds, only doing good deeds as a way to fill up, vampiric consumption of the proceeds harvested.

Often people are sidelined when the person they are in relation with suddenly starts acting in a completely different way, not from a place of natural change or growth, but something else entirely. There is a moment that happens where it feels like someone is standing over your shoulder in a Sleeping with the Enemy vibe. One can only hold the mask up for so long before the true nature of the beast comes out. It can be entirely psychological. Skilled at manipulation, the outer persona is often revered by the world, thus when the victim tries to speak out, she (or he) is written off, not believed, and further gaslit by those around her. People will say things like, he seems so nice, it could be worse, or take-up for the narcissist instead of the friend or family member reaching out for help or an ear.

Because of the attention seeking madness, sometimes people will falsely accuse someone in order to scapegoat their own role or narcissistic behavior, but that’s another issue entirely. The new age spiritaul community felt like the scapegoat capital of the world to me when I stopped by there…it did help me unwrap some of these behaviors in my own mind and even see where I had picked up beliefs and language that was not ok, I had to check myself and correct myself.

From slander to unbelievable control tactics, ever so subtle, or even unoticeable at times by those potentially living under the same roof or working in the same office, the true narcissist chooses his prey with care. (Obviously, both men and women can be victims of this).

Now that many know what victim consciousness is, when a true victim of this situation realizes what’s happening and seeks to confide in someone, they are often not taken seriously, oh you just have victim consciousness…everything is your fault. We’ve got an accountability issue as another pandering plague. The lack of compassion and sincerity for someone who may be feeling confused or hurt turns into a lonely road of realization and healing, a recognition of the ever-present nature this problem is for the collective. The strangest part of all is that the narcissist is living inside real victim consciousness and projecting that out.

People can be victims (I’m sure you have a story in your own life) and deserve to be heard when these things happen, so they can heal in real time. Life isn’t so black and white, things happen out of our control, and to just cast everyone out that encounters a bad situation as victim consciousness, holding the perpetrator to no accountability for their behavior, is a narcisssitic trait, stop it! I’m not supporting the use of a situation to claim it as a lifestyle label for living in misery and complaining indefinitely as a woe-is-me archetype of suffering and drama, but damn it seems like compassion flew the coop sometimes….AND don’t be a pushover, put your boundaries up, know when to listen and when to step away from other people’s problems, drama, or those who don’t really want to help themselves.

Without knowing how to set proper boundaries, the empathic heart centered soul becomes more and more depleted until there is nothing left to give, then she’s discarded, because there is nothing left to be consumed….the prey is no longer appetizing.

Once she starts picking up pieces of herself again, the narcissist may reappear for another love bombing phase. These individuals love to instigate reactivity because the energy from that engagement is a source of fuel.

Sometimes this is not so grandiose. A friend may be, what I call, fake-nice to your face only letting the relationship exist on a superficial level because they are not ever going to take ownership or engage in open-honest-deep …and most importantly, vulnerable…dialogue with you. This doesn’t always mean they are a narcissist, it may just be you are more invested in the relationship, but it is something to look out for when spending time together, especially if you desire more meaningful connections and exchanges with those in your life. Is the relationship ebbing, flowing, growing, what’s going on?

I think there’s a quote that says something like, “People can only meet you to the depths they have met themself,” and this definitely has been true in my life. It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t love others or spend time with people on a different part of the journey (different doesn’t mean better or further despite what our minds try to convince us), but it is important to have the self-awareness to recognize this in ourselves, in others, and when it might be a bigger concern. Bringing humility to the uncomfortable truth that our greatest teachers can be those that challenge us, even our enemies or those with ill intentions….and our friends. Is the relationships staring back at you are the Guru you actually need…not to stay in an unhealthy situation, but to recognize it as a teacher for your next best decision?

Thankfully, there is a lot of information out there available to help people heal on this subject. I think carefully curating what we’re viewing when scrolling is important. At the same time, it’s good to be careful how we judge others on social media, as some cries for attention are not narcissism, but a hunger for connection with others inside the confines of an entire society boxed in, alienated, and lonely. True confidence and/or care looks very different than a narcissistic talking head. A true desire to connect and share looks very different than a manufactured set to display a keeping-up-with-the-Joneses scene.

An old version of me had to heal (and is still healing) by learning to understand this, long before the term narcissist was over used to label everything we don’t like in another. Of course, most people have some narcissistic traits that can be labeled this way, but the traits alone don’t make someone truly identifiable in diagnosis, nonetheless, the confusion abounds on the interwebs.

I learned a lot about myself from these past relationships…do I wish for anyone to go through this pain and deceit, of course not…….but do I accept the lesson and did I find a blessing in order to keep going, keep growing. The key lesson being able to learn what emotional maturity feels like in my body, my nervous system, versus the disregulation of someone trying to create a rise as a mechanism for “taking,” and how to remain in control of myself without stepping into a reactive energy that ultimately feeds the flame of a toxic intention.

Maybe you are in a relationship where you think everything is going great, then out of nowhere you start to see things you didn’t see at first. Maybe you ignored or overlooked certain red flags because the good overshadowed the bad or they seemed innocent enough. Maybe your optimistic nature focused on the good things and it blinded the bad from visibility. You’re human, people need people, so it’s natural to want to give people a chance without living in a state of paranoia and fear.

The lesson I’ve had to learn is that it is not that I need to become an expert in red-flags, but that I need to be the green flag I want to attract. I can take these experiences and the wisdom gained, knowing how to differentiate between the imperfect nature of being human versus when someone is seeking narcissistic supply. The difference is important so we don’t go around pointing fingers unecessarily when relationships dissolve for a myriad of reasons that we might not like. I can accept the challenges, growth, beauty, messiness of relationships, learn to forgive myself when I make a bad judgement call and/or know when to step away from something or someone simply as part of the cycles of life.

I’ll admit, I like to see the good in people, which has led me astray more times than not, yet I’m still glad I do it. Learning to spot people only pretending to be authentic can be difficult, especially online, but is sort of a muscle to practice, while knowing that sometimes you’ll be wrong and that’s ok. It’s unfortunate we live in a world where our guard has to be up. There are so many instigators (trolls), especially online, trying to bring people down (thankfully there are many wonderful people too and I’m grateful for the kindred friends I’ve made) …becoming fast on the draw to victim consciousness or sneaky red flags is an important skill to cultivate in this digital world.

To everyone (man or woman) who has been in a narcisssitic relationship at one point in life (be it romantic, friend, employer, government, parent)…know this:

your experience is valid
your hurt is not to be overlooked
it’s not ok to be a punching bag
from a projection of an unhealed wound
from someone looking for a weakness
to cast out their shame unto
I’m sorry you went through that
and
you are brave
and I know how it feels to be unheard, alone in the fray
to be put down, made to feel crazy
when ruthlessness wears a smile at the friday night game or neighborhood potluck,
but the laugh of a madman sits behind the blacked out windows of a sparkling truck,
the whole world seems to be turning this way
disassociated and relentless, no kindness on display
It’s so fucking hard when hearts get so hardened
when everyone looks the other way,
when bad behavior gets a pardon,
while you’re overlooked, called naive,
but what they don’t see is you just get stronger…and wiser, indeed…
you turned you into a diamond prettier than any ring could ever be
you dared to opened your heart wider, to let it out and sing
where they tried to break you, you learned how to trust…how to become more intimate with what matters, cultivation of the deepest kind of love

….you’re a walking miracle, I wish I could give you a great big hug.

Narcissistic Hues

I’m so tired of the gaslighting
all the passive aggressive jabs
I can see what you are doing
I’m not stepping in the web
The tactics, I’ve seen before
same playbook, such a bore
Narcissistic Hues, colorless, grey
without supply, without prey
I won’t be the mental fuel
to keep your trauma justified
I won’t swallow up your rules
closed, no longer open wide
You think everything is about you
says it all, on cue, attempts to vilify
Emotionally childish and empty
Subtle lies, colored-in wounds
Self-centeredness is trending
Victimhood applied, assumed
Love bombing in order to gain
Because you’re never to blame
a poison arrow trying to inflict pain
Only this time I have the antidote
No longer in the role of scapegoat
while your rage comes cloaked
in black robes of falsity for show
I simply remove myself in quiet
Red flags can fly in silence
I won’t be attending the riot.

I see all the anger held inside
I understand the reasons why
But that doesn’t make it ok
Not a pinata in your parade
I’ll keep all of my vibrant colors
Let the spectrum shine bright
Take your Narcissistic hues
they can no longer dim my light.

~ Angela

May your days be lit up with love ….never gaslit…let go of that shit, you’ve got this!