I met my best friend in a cult

Awakening to Madness

Once upon a time, I stepped into an alternate reality, the land of clan, a sort of matrix twister where the misfits go to time jump through energetic black holes and walk on metaphysical black coals. It was a strange time through another phase of awakening, the nightmare phase.

Listen, the stages of awakening are not a blissed-out fantasy, but often a shit show of bad decisions and the reflection staring back at you one day where you will find yourself asking, “how did I get here?”

I’m not going to unpack the stages of awakening today, but if you are like me, 2020’s scammy-mcdemic drove me into another dark night of the soul where I had to peel back some more layers.

The more I see, the less friends I seemed to have around me. There weren’t any falling outs, just a dissolving of energetic ties, was I in the twilight zone or I had I jumped timelines in some sort of Mandela effect reality show sitcom?

Longing for connection after a long hermit phase of inner work, I started listening to some spiritual teachers on the interweb…I know, I know, bad idea Angela, bad idea.

No one ever says to themselves, I’m going to join a cult today, hell yeah, that’s a great idea! It’s really these moments where a little part of us is giving away our power and not yet ready to take self ownership for something that gets ya…a little crack in character, a moment of vulnerability, or as I call it “seeker fatigue”…these are the soothsayers openings…step right up, I’ve got the answers, look over here.

Ironically, I read an article about circus ringmasters that basically explains most cult leaders in a nutshell: they create a persona, they master the art of speaking, they use humor, they have catchphrases, they make it emotional, they entertain, they make it compelling and they use crowd interaction to make an impact. What the $#@!? And I once thought I wanted to take my hula hoop and run away with the circus…oh wait, I guess I kind of did, haha!

I don’t think I’d ever been in a cult before, I mean I used to lip-sync to Culture Club in the mirror as a teenager, so maybe this was an inevitable equally bad manifestation. I’ve never been much of a “group” person, though I was part of certain athletic programs as a kid.  Mostly I’ve been a lone wolf, black sheep, outcast…unpopularly popular, someone people love to hate until they get to know me…well, usually.

So, I found myself sitting in zoom rooms with other black sheep and that was refreshing for a change, ah, the island of misfits, finally, I’m home…Blessed Be.

Here’s the thing about cults like this one, the lure is familiarity in a pain point, an invitation to see the thread of a trauma or ugliness inside yourself that needs to be seen and changed.  Essentially, it’s a mirror of disgust hidden by false humility, word salad and pathological lying. Once you see it, you can’t unsee it and these traits can then be more easily discerned across all that fit this façade from politicians to gurus of all kinds.  The promise of nothing, but the posture of wretchedness, apathy, a pathetic supplant for a real mentor or teacher of spiritual wisdom.

Cults are led by takers and filled up on congregations of givers, polarity’r us. All that being said, the mysteries have a way of coming to those who seek, if even by way of what is not in order to come to what is.

The I AM of being doesn’t come to one in a moment of bliss, but a path filled with all the questionable characters in the deck here to teach you the hard lessons, I’ve encountered them all…. the fool, the joker, the trickster, the false ego, the pied piper, the clown.

It was fun for a while to feel like I wasn’t alone, but I had a cloudy film over my eyes that didn’t become clear until one day when I realized the cult leader was incredibly full of you-know-what, exhibiting manipulative behaviors and speaking in narcissistic language that wasn’t ok with me. I could suddenly see through the façade on so many levels, the unhealed wounds projected out onto everyone, revealing a desire to belong tainted and muddled by grandiose spirituality and a fever pitch of victimhood.  This is when I really began to understand what “looshing energy” meant and how attention is harvested to feed souls unable, or unwilling, to nourish themselves. 

To nourish yourself means you have to look at where the emptiness is inside, where the black hole resides, where unfished business subsides, where, to ourselves, we lie…where the shadow cries. This takes a courageous spirit, someone truly willing to take responsibility for self and stop blaming the world.

In a moment of clarity, I was done, I was out, and there was no turning back. Thankfully, my time in this CULT-ure was short-lived, though still way too long.

Culture, like many words, has dual meanings and can lend itself toward two spectrums in the duality of life…. good and bad, this was definitely the latter.

I don’t regret it. I’m here to have a multitude of experiences in this life in order to learn more about myself, including the weird ass things I find myself getting into on occasion, the terrible mistakes, the failures, and also the joy, the love, the laughing at myself.

Near the end of my time in this “cult,” I decided to go to an in person gathering. It was a wild weekend that had plenty of ups and downs and oddities, but one thing came from it that made the whole experience worthwhile, that was meeting a true friend and we’ve never looked back.

True friendship is hard to find, sometimes you have to go digging around in places that are not ideal and you aren’t sure why you are there, but fate steps in and brings you a soul connection that makes it all make sense!  And no, it’s not a trauma bond, though commiserating over how we found each other has certainly brought forth some belly laughs and tears.

I actually met some awesome people in that cult, some real genuine soulful humans and that’s pretty cool.

I wonder how many other friendships were formed out there in time and space by escapees of madness.

If you find yourself in a group, club, cult, or anything of the sorts, wondering how you got there, what you are doing and what moment of poor judgement brought you to this place, don’t beat yourself up, but do…. GET OUT….and run towards your sovereignty.

There’s a lesson and blessing to most things and there are a lot of cults on the interweb that come in a wide variety of interpersonal “psyops’”. Sometimes we have to go through something in order to cleanse the lens of perception and see it for what it really is. To pull the cloak of revelation from our eyes means having uncomfortable experiences sometimes, facing triggers that we’ve avoided for a long time and/or stepping into uncharted territory of our inner world so that what needs to be healed can be revealed to us.

If you’re feeling all alone, take a deep breath and know there’s another weirdo out there waiting to meet you, a new friend that will feel like an ancient comrade, an accomplice through the mischief of awe and wonder life provides, a connection that exceeds the cycles of incarnation and logic.

My friend is the gift from this, a sister, kindred spirit, a deep soul.  Like me, she’s unafraid of dancing with the shadow and has a curious nature of wanting to innerstand the why’s, the beauty that lives in the darkness, the creative essence and love that flows from getting to know all parts of the self, integrating and embodying this in every day life. The kind of friend you don’t have to hide any parts of yourself from.

Everyone must remember their own ability to persuade and influence, when not centered and coming from a heart-felt place, can create situations that are not ideal in a multitude of settings, especially as communities are created. No one is impervious to ridicule or being swept up into things that were not the original intention. I don’t think every “cult” leader intends to become some all-powerful wizard behind a curtain, but unchecked delusions can drive many to do things they wouldn’t normally do…just look at what we’ve witnessed in the world since 2020? Doing the inner work and continuously coming back to my center always helps me see when I’m moving out of harmony and when it’s time to get back in alignment.

Now don’t go joining some crazy cult thinking you’re going to meet someone there, these things are Divinely orchestrated, no doubt! Lol! There are certainly many layers to this, my experience was just a blip and I’m thankful I found my wits sooner rather than later, but it was still humbling to recognize all of this in myself, my pitfalls and susceptibilities. I know some people who grew up in hard core cults that took years to break free from, a whole other level of indoctrination. Being human is wild and don’t let anyone suck you in to their inner-web on the inter-web, go outside instead!

Sometimes the journey through awakening includes a stumble through madness.  Sometimes we have to lose people that knew the old us in order to find the new.

With vulnerability and hope that my story helps others find a way through…

Angela
The Irrational Sage