FORCING FORGIVENESS

someone has to say it

Forgiveness is not always deserved, nor the right antidote to healing.

Sometimes the best way to forgive is not to, instead you can:

-        Hold someone accountable for their actions

-        Stop giving them access to you

-        Re-establish new boundaries if it’s unavoidable that you will have to see them again

-        Alchemize the anger and use it for fuel, direct all that energy into something else, from physical endeavors to allow the emotion to move or channeling into a project, journaling, or helping a neighbor paint their house (you get the drift)

Point being, forgiveness is not always the answer. 

If you’ve been wronged by someone, or even the system, you can find compassion inside for exploring what could have made someone that way, for your part in the exchange, but you don’t have to forgive to heal. You shouldn’t stuff down or ignore it either, it needs to be witnessed by your own observation when you reach a place you feel ready to step into the observer role. From that place you get to choose how to approach it, if it is hindering you in the present time or if you can leave it in the past. You get to choose who, how, and what to forgive OR if you’re going to take that hurt and move it out of your body in another way.

Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself for someone else’s actions. I see that far too often in spiritual circles where gaslighting is the norm, blame and shame are the game, and accountability has left the building. Self contemplation, while important, can also become a sort of self punishment and never ending mind-loop that leads nowhere.

For example, let’s say you had a medical treatment before you knew that treatment had severe side effects and consequences, to which you found later and felt you were not appropriately warned. On one hand you made the choice, and you could have done research and still not uncovered the dreadful possibilities, as that is not always so easy to find inside the medical industrial complex paperwork of small print and manipulated consent. You could try to sue the doctor, did they know? Did they harm intentionally turning a blind eye while getting incentivized? Even if they were indoctrinated and unknowingly harmed, there is still every reason for you to hold them accountable, the facility in which they practice, and that may be simply expressing to them that what they did was wrong or maybe you take further action….you can also let go and focus your energy forward as not to get stuck in the energy of “dwelling.”

The lack of accountability for ourselves and others has been replaced with, just forgive, which is not healthy and ultimately a deeper denial of your own lack of standing by your morals and values. When we don’t hold ourselves accountable, then we are unlikely to do the same for others…and that goes for forgiveness too. There is a time and place, but it is dependent upon the individual and the situation at hand, not a broad-sided answer to all our woes.

It can take time to forgive and usually it’s for ourselves. I certainly have made mistakes that have taken me years to see the scope of the full picture to which any attempts at earlier forgiveness would not have been sufficient.

We can forgive those who know not what they do but what about those who do know?

I’ve certainly Ho’oponopono’d my way through some shit. Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian teaching for forgiveness….sit down, think about the situation and repeat “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.” It’s a beautiful exercise that can help release deeply stored hurt and I find it useful at times…

AND at the same time:

You don’t have to forgive anyone.

You don’t have to forgive to heal.

You don’t have to forgive to move on.

You don’t have to feel shame or blame or wrong for not forgiving.

No matter what anyone says, you don’t have to do it and that is that.

And if you want to forgive, you don’t have to do it on anyone else’s timeline, you get to choose when and how…even if it is many years down the road….stop telling people they HAVE to forgive someone that hurt them…it’s a lie and forcing forgiveness is like siding with the perpetrator of hurt instead of the injured party. If someone was truly wronged, they have every right to move on without choosing to forgive and that doesn’t make them bad or unhealthy or unhealed…that doesn’t make them caught in trauma and it doesn’t mean they are less conscious, whole, or spiritual.

It also doesn’t mean they are choosing victimhood or playing the victim. In this world of toxic positivity, apathy and avoidance to real feelings, let this moment be one that gives you permission to feel whatever you are feeling. Victimhood is reliving and not learning from mistakes, but shit happens and it’s hard and it sucks and everyone goes through times that are difficult. If you have a friend going through hard times or that has experienced something challenging, don’t tell them they just have to forgive…let them express for expressing is the healing, be an ear even if it is hard…we’ve lost the art of listening without trying to fix, it’s ok to feel sad, it’s ok to acknowledge if you were a victim, it’s ok to be honest, it’s ok to admit you are hurt if you were hurt, it’s ok to sit in somberness when the time warrants it.

And do not mistake this for an endorsement of the emotional immaturity, coddling and manufactured rage taking place in woke-land of the weaklings who have lost their ability to regulate themselves, who have lost their way, who are really crying out for help, probably for some accountability, probably a need to learn how to live more responsibly and with more discipline.

Somehow, we entered into a world where forgiveness has been put on a pedestal and accountability buried beneath it. So many people pretend they have forgiven as a sort of virtue signaling to how spiritual and righteous they are…how THEY were able to be the bigger person to forgive, but usually it is simply not true. Often, this is a facade while real righteous anger gets pushed deep down into the belly…. the belly holds the energy of the bully you didn’t give yourself permission to NOT forgive.

This goes for yourself too.

So, you made a mistake, you’re human.

Every mistake we make doesn’t need to be forgiven or re-lived. Sometimes it is about simply acknowledging and softening our own edges…and moving on down the road.

It’s time to clear the bullshit around this topic.

Forgiveness is meant to be a sacred act between people who genuinely care about one another, who care enough to say I’m sorry, this is what makes it special. To forgive is a gift that comes from a sense of grace, an acknowledgement of our imperfectness but it requires work of the heart. Too often an olive branch is given that ends up broken because it wasn’t really appreciated, only taken for granted, thus learning when to apply the art of forgiveness is also an act of good judgement.

Forgive yourself for making choices that put you in relationship to someone or something that wasn’t for you, or perhaps ran its course, or maybe you outgrew the relationship, maybe it was just time for it to end. Maybe the hurt needed to show you something about yourself or that they weren’t really invested in the relationship the same way as you so that you could move on.

Forgiveness is an ACTION between TWO parties….it requires one person to ASK for forgiveness, to apologize, it’s a righting of a wrong. This is healthy interaction between those in relation.

And then you get to choose to:

-        Forgive and keep working on the relationship

-        Forgive and move on from the relationship

-        Not forgive and walk away

Choosing NOT to forgive is NOT equivalent to harboring ill emotions, anger, guilt or pain inside the body. These are not interdependent of one another. Sure, that might happen if you aren’t addressing the situation in one way or another, but forgiveness is not the be all end all necessity it’s made out to be in the self-help land of guru grandiosity where this is pushed because it’s easier than the confrontation that needs to happen or the uttering of an apology.

These aren’t hard and fast rules, there is always nuance and exceptions.

The topic of forgiveness and the pushiness of those who want everyone to “just forgive and forget” is a touchy one.

Likely those who want everyone to forgive, even when it isn’t warranted, comes from an inner wound of projection.

When going through a difficult time, I once apologized to a friend for dumping too much of my stress, complaining a bit too much, and my apology wasn’t appreciated, nor accepted. Instead, I was told I was pathetic…in that moment I simply exited as this told me that this person and I were not aligned on our values because anyone that has ever apologized to anyone knows it’s not always easy, takes strength, and in moments of disagreement, an ability to see your own faults. A beautiful friendship ended that day. I realized, in not being forgiven, where I stood in the relationships importance to them and there was no need to continue, to beat a dead horse…and this is where letting go comes in. None of us are perfect, we all make mistakes, but it’s imperative we be in relation with those who are willing to walk with us in friendship as something real, with both our light and shadow.

Sometimes we don’t need to forgive, but to just let go…take our hands off the wheel to the glue of genuine attachments, relationships that have reached completion.

I’ve noticed in the culture of toxic positivity that an element of shame has surfaced around forgiveness. Misconception that you can’t be healed or whole or ok if you don’t forgive someone, to that I call bullshit…and why is there such a hard push for this?

Forgiveness is an exchange,

When people say they are sorry but don’t mean it, don’t change, then it holds no value, no weight, it’s empty…. It is often said to make the uncomfortableness of a situation fade. This is where forced forgiveness replaces genuine care. If you say you are hurt in a relationship and in doing so are gaslit and ignored, this person isn’t your friend. In the same token, if your  genuine apology (followed by right action) isn’t considered, this person isn’t your friend.  Sometimes in moments of pain, we realize the people we thought had our back, don’t…we realize the people we thought wanted the best for us…really wanted to see us fail.

In these moments, you don’t have to forgive. You can burn the bridge to the ground and keep walking, just don’t bury anger…truly step into your heart, into your humanness…into love, knowing that doing what is best is not always tied up in a pretty little bow.

Keep your circle small, keep your matches handy, keep your heart open, take no shit from those that hurt you, but be willing to apologize for your own wrongs…and be open to forgive while simultaneously knowing it’s not always required for you to fully live, it’s not a magic button or an easy pill, it’s sometimes necessary and other times, not.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing that can release trapped emotions and sometimes it’s the best thing we can do. But to force yourself to forgive, or others, is to only tighten the resistance of being able to let go….to accept what happened without needing to fix it-repair it-or even forgive it…sometimes holding someone to the fire, to the accountability of their actions is just about burning down the bridge to the connection, to access to you…to protecting your peace.

Some say an inability to forgive is weakness, but I don’t think that’s true. I think it’s about discerning what is genuine and restoring the sacredness of apologizing. To say, “I’m sorry” because that’s what you think you SHOULD do and then continuing with the same behaviors or empty promises creates a lack of trust.

Discernment is needed to know the right thing to do, to take back the power and energy you were giving away to that which didn’t deserve your attention, to that which didn’t really have the best intentions or wishes for you, to that which wanted to pull you down then blame you when you met them there…no, you get to pull yourself back up and back into the now, with or without forgiveness. Forgive yourself when you must but also remember that sometimes you stepped inside an invaluable lesson to which you need not be sorry for treading, for trying.

I’ve read books about forgiveness and its potential for healing, but they never seem to broach the other side of the subject:

-        That some things are unforgiveable.

-        That sometimes forgiveness is, unjustifiably, granted a magical power that supposedly solves all problems and releases, or relinquishes, other aspects to a situation that need to be delved into.

-        That letting go is sometimes the more appropriate action or response.

-        That stuffing things down is sometimes a temporary coping mechanism that is useful and appropriate for a time until one has the capacity to process what has taken place or to bring what is unconscious forward.

-        That it’s ok if you don’t feel like or feel ready to forgive.

Can you release yourself from the shame this world imposes of feeling like it’s not ok if you don’t want to forgive someone or some situation?

How does it feel in your body to give yourself permission…. ah it might just be the doorway to real forgiveness…AND letting go…and moving on.

Healing is a journey that sometimes requires forgiveness and sometimes letting go, sometimes building bridges and sometimes burning them…there is no one answer that works for every person and every situation.

I’m no expert in forgiveness except that I had a lot of resistance around the cringness of forcing it and when I gave myself the nod that it’s ok to NOT, is when I was finally able to…resistance is funny that way, it’s a doorway and guide…and the outcome varies, and we can move on from situations without harboring anger.

We’ve witnessed (are witnessing) terrible tragedies in our world…unforgiveable acts to which the only cure seems to be deep grief, salty tears, rest, and learning to live in a different way than what has been shown to us. The melding of the manufactured divide will ask us to forgive and we’ll be happy to with those we love and cherish…but on the other side of that are some very necessary fuck you’s that are as deeply warranted.

The magic of living, of thriving, isn’t in the act of forgiveness but in the acknowledgement of what is true, what our bodies are relaying, and what the next best step to take is in any given moment.

Be kind to yourself and anyone that tries to tell you that you MUST forgive, tell them to bugger off! Forced forgiveness is often an allowing of misconduct to continue or a way to bury your head in the sand…no..no..no…I’m calling this out here and now.

All that being said, to anyone I’ve ever unknowingly or unintentionally hurt: “I’m sorry”…truly…most people don’t usually mean to hurt anyone, but it is part of life, it is a teacher we all share in this sort of earth classroom…but the harsh reality is that some people do intentionally hurt…and some people hurt because they hurt, to which none of it makes that behavior ok…nor is it always forgiveable, especially without remorse or consequences. You can’t use forgiveness as a mask with a festering wound and think all will be well because it is hidden…this is what forced forgiveness does…it pretends all is well because the false virtue of a label has been applied over the cut.

Sorry goes both ways, you can be a sorry person…or you can be sorry…if you’re picking up what I’m putting down?

Have a wonderful day and thanks for reading my work… just for today give yourself permission to set forgiveness aside on any situation that is creating worry in your mind, stress in your heart, or uncertainty in your bones… you can pick it back up when you are ready… when the time is right and when you know where to place it for your best next step forward.😉

May we all carry the compassion needed to be merciful at the right times, the wisdom to hear our heart in order to know when to apologize, forgive and/or let go…without force… and trust in ourselves to take the best course of action in times of anger or weariness.

With love and grace,
Angela